I don't have any illusions about the honor and virtue of the Democratic Party. The Donks have aided and abetted this administration's evil deeds at home and abroad, and if they have been marginalized in governance as a consequence, well, the punk-ass bitches had it coming.
That said, I think we have no choice but to hold our collective noses and pull the lever for the Ds right on down the line. Michael Schwartz lays it out pretty well over at TomDispatch.com in his "One-Stop Guide to Election Night 2006." While he notes that the Donks' strategy "has been to 'lay low' and let anger towards Bush sweep them into office" (a strategy best described by Mark Twain, who said, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."), he concludes:
If the Democrats prevail, however narrowly, against a world of massively gerrymandered seats, Republican finances, blitzes of dirty ads, the presidential "bully pulpit," and well-planned campaigns of voter suppression, American — as well as world public opinion — will interpret it as a repudiation of Bush administration war policy. And this will become a mandate for those who oppose these policies to speak and act ever more forcefully.
The country can't afford two more years of one-party governance, if that's what you want to call what the Elefinks have been up to. It's been like watching your drunk Uncle Vernon, the one with the steel plate in his head where the horse kicked him, going to work on your cherished '57 Chevy, the classic ride your granddad left you, with a bottle of Beam and a claw hammer. "Now don't you worry none, boy, I was workin' on cars when you had pot rings on your ass. Pass me that Constitution, we got an oil leak here."
If this is what happens when the adults run the country, I'd say it's time to give the children a chance. Keep the belt handy and take 'em to the woodshed as necessary. Remind 'em daily that as long as they live under our roof, on our money, they'll do what we say and like it or get the fuck out and get honest jobs.
But first we've got to throw this current crop of bums out. Do it now. Your own children will thank you.
UPDATE: 4 p.m. Plenty info about technical glitches and other election-day deviltry over at Josh Marshall's Talking Points Memo. Denver seems particularly fucked up. I'm drinking a glass of Stone IPA to ward off evil spirits and eating a big bowl of my fabled two-bean, buffalo-and-sausage red chile so that I may fart vengefully at passing Republicans. Keep an eye on The Washington Monthly while you're surfing for election news.
UPDATE: 6:20 p.m. Can't get all beered up while following the midterms this time around, cranking "American Idiot" up to 11 and shooting Mini-Thirty rounds skyward like so many 7.62x39mm, 123-grain prayers to Allah. Herself is jetting back home from a trip back east to visit her dad, and I have to fetch her from the Bibleburg Intergalactic Airport, assuming the weather cooperates; her flight out of Banjoville was delayed by storms. Meanwhile, the early word is that West Virginny's Robert Byrd will still be waving his pocket copy of the Constitution at fascists the way Van Helsing brandished a crucifix at Dracula, and Vermont Socialist Bernie Sanders has himself a Senate seat, replacing outgoing Independent Jim Jeffords.
UPDATE: 6:40 p.m. Conservative Donk Robert Casey beats Elefink Rick "Mr. Man-on-Dog" Santorum, the first time in 50 years that a GOP senator has been shitcanned in Pennsylvania, according to NPR. Meanwhile, in Noo Joisey, Donk Robert Menendez keeps his seat, defeating Pachyderm Tom Kean Jr.
UPDATE: 7 p.m. Shit. Time for another pint of evil-spirit repellent. Scumbag George Allen is leading Jim Webb in Virginia, according to TPM. Meanwhile, the polls here in Colorado are about to close, so we should be getting some news shortly about the state and local races.
UPDATE: 7:25 p.m. Good God. ABC and CBS are both running their regularly scheduled programming on our airwaves — including "Dancing with the Stars" — and ignoring the elections entirely? I can't be drunk. Not on two beers. I'm really seeing this bullshit. I don't know what NBC is up to, because the rabbit ears won't pull the Peacock in. Ed Murrow must be spinning in his grave. Fuck these people, I'm going to start streaming National Gay & Lesbian People's Socialist Radio, see if Robert Siegel and Linda Wertheimer are doing a tango. NPR reports that the Donks have picked up three seats in the House and two in the Senate, and that the Huffington Post is having a "Find a Job" contest for the ultra-loony Katherine Harris, who got stomped like rats in a shoebox in Florida. Meanwhile, Donk Sherrod Brown has flogged Elefink Sen. Mike DeWine in Ohio, and Donk Ted Strickland will be the new governor.
UPDATE: 7:40 p.m. Jesus, Denver sounds like a Mongolian clusterfuck. No doubt it's a plot by meth-snorting gay hookers to delay the Second Coming. Good thing Colorado enjoyed summerlike weather today. If it's snowing, we lefty welfare chiselers won't set down the crack pipe and start the Cadillac to go out for a 40, much less an election.
UPDATE: 8 p.m. CNN, via TPM, says the turncoat Joe Lieberman has croaked Ned Lamont in Connecticut. Let's see if the evil sonofabitch switches parties and gets a free pair of Karl Rove kneepads. Meanwhile, Allen's lead over Webb in Virginnny is apparently razor-thin. Keep hope alive.
UPDATE: 8:05 p.m. Rick "Goodhair" Perry has sent my boy Kinky Friedman back to country music, mystery novels and rescuing animals. Probably just as well. It's been proven over and over again that while pretty much any old asshole can be governor of Texas, not everyone can write. The good news is, it appears that the Donks may have three of the six seats they need to control the Senate and need 12 seats to retake the House.
UPDATE: 8:35 p.m. Took five for a little housekeeping so I don't get my ass kicked when Herself inspects the quarters. Meanwhile, The Plank is reporting that Green Party candidate Gail Parker may be queering the Webb-Allen contest. Ay, Chihuahua. But TPM is saying the Donks are nine seats away from taking the House.
UPDATE: 8:45 p.m. CBS, which finally came on line with its news weenies at 8 p.m., says the Jackasses are four seats shy of running Dickie Hastert off to the backbenches where his evil fat ass belongs. Be still my heart.
UPDATE: 9 p.m. My boy Michael Merrifield is leading Kyle Fisk in State House District 18. But hold onto your fork, 'cause it ain't done yet. And CNN says Crazy Curt Weldon bites the bag in Pennsylvania, snuffed by Adm. Joe Sestak (USN, ret.) Welcome aboard, admiral.
UPDATE: 9:15 p.m. The New York Times calls for the head of Donald Rumsfeld. And CNN calls the House for the Donks. I'll toast this news, assuming it proves accurate, after I fetch Herself back to the ranch. I hear they ain't got no beer in jail.
UPDATE: 9:35 p.m. The Decider is said to be "disappointed," according to NPR. Aw, shucks. 'Is Lordship has scheduled a presser for Wednesday afternoon. That should be entertaining, as opposed to the traitorous Lieberman's exultation, which was not. If the Donks get the Senate too, which is far from certain, here's hoping they have enough of a margin that this numbnuts is not a factor and can be stuffed into a coat closet somewhere. And the swine at CBS have gone back to regularly scheduled programming. Shameless.
UPDATE: 11 p.m. Cool. My boy Mike Merrifield keeps his seat in the Statehouse, joined by Donk Bill Ritter as governor. Jay Fawcett lost to that nitwit Bible-thumper Doug Lamborn in the Fifth Congressional District; at least we'll have someone to laugh at, 'cause this bonehead is a walking sound bite in the nutsack, the poster boy for fucktards, whenever Marilyn Musgrave or Tom Tancredo aren't around (Musgrave is locked in a nailbiter with Donk Angie Paccione, but we'll still have old Tom to kick around for a while yet).
UPDATE: 11:25 p.m. Had to unplug the networks (a Letterman rerun from Halloween, f'chrissakes?). Now I've got PBS — "The Charlie Rose Show," I think, with Ed Rollins, David Gergen, Katrina vanden Heuvel of The Nation, David Sanger and David Brooks of The New York Times, Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan the Flying Monster. Ghidrah was a no-show 'cause he (she, it, whatever) had a previous engagement on Fox.
UPDATE: Midnight OK, I'm all done. The Webb-Allen thing is too close to call, and though Webb has declared victory, I'm thinking recount. Some wiseguys are saying Harry Reid is the next majority leader, but I don't buy that either, not yet. The Donks would need a cushion I'm not seeing out there. Remember who breaks ties in the Senate — the vice president, in this case Darth Cheney — and remember whose keister Lieberman has had his snout buried in for the past few years. Still, I'm looking forward to reading the news over a giant cup of mud tomorrow. Here's a thought for you to ponder: Did the Elefinks throw this one to have a stronger position come 2008, with two years of Democratic investigations, legislative failures and stridency to use as a launching pad? Discuss.
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