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This cartoon has been approved* by USA Cycling.TM
* Well, not really. But at least they're not bitching about this one.
Mad Dog Unleashed
Let's fertilize the grass roots
... by burying our critics
By Patrick O'Grady
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one:
"O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.
-- Voltaire, Letter to M. Damilaville
Inasmuch as this is the only respect shown me lately by anyone even peripherally connected with USA CyclingTM, I considered complying with the request, though the USA CyclingTM logo in question has been doctored to read "Recycle USA CyclingTM " in a fashion that even my man Bart (not to be confused with Bart SimpsonTM) concedes is "satirical."
After all, if USA CyclingTM sues me for trademark infringement, HellTM suddenly acquires an NHLTM franchise, and they win, they could strip me of my laboriously acquired corporate wealth -- two '83 ToyotaTM trucks, a couple of outdated MacsTM and nine bicycles. Well, that's not quite true ... unless attorneys' fees have changed dramatically since the last time I employed one of the blood-sucking swine, Enoch & Enoch, P.C., would get the ToyotasTM , the MacsTM and the seven rideable bicycles, and USA CyclingTM would get the two that I've cannibalized to keep the others rolling.
Ooohhhhh, Wise Guy.
Still, impoverishment aside, it would be amusing to watch The Three StoogesTM -- MikeTM , LisaTM and PhilTM -- try to figure out just what the hell those two-wheeled vehicles were once they'd stripped them from me in a lengthy, Monty PythonTM -esque courtroom battle. "Interesting. Very interesting. Tubes, wires and rubber. What the deuce are they? Bicycles, you say? Hmph. Do tell. Oh, those devices the lads ride in that Tour doo Whatever. Couldn't be bothered, frankly. I'm off to sell the membership to the Iraqis."And there is some doubt as to who would get the dampest in this pissing match between skunks. More than one court has held that trademarks take a back seat to free speech when parody, not profit, is the motivation. Too, Mr. Enoch's note stated flatly that he had, without seeking my permission, copied both my web page and a cartoon on a linked page -- and worse, distributed these copies to other parties, including the U.S. Olympic CommitteeTM -- thus violating my copyrights on both text and 'toon. A respectful cease-and-desist request has been sent to his law offices; so far, it has gone unanswered.
First Thing We Do ...
But, really, I don't have a problem with Bart and his letter. The man is trying to do a job of work for a cartel of cretins who get their notions of jurisprudence from reruns of "Night Court."TM If I billed at his hourly rates, and if the folks at VeloNewsTM and Bicycle RetailerTM were that dim, I'd spend more time working and less time jerking off with indulgences like this obscure little web site, upon which USA CyclingTM seems to have stubbed its gouty corporate toe while running roughshod through our sport.No, I'm afraid the problem lies with USA CyclingTM . These YahoosTM clearly spend too much time indoors. They've actually come to believe that their cramped, DilbertTM -esque cubicle, tucked away in a cobwebbed corner of the mom-and-pop shop that is American cycling, is a major corporate empire. They see themselves as a MicrosoftTM or DisneyTM capable of crushing everything in its path -- including that minor annoyance called the U.S. Constitution (a document that is a wee bit harder to dismantle than USA CyclingTM's bylaws) -- when it's painfully obvious to the dimmest of observers that there are medium-sized bike shops with bigger budgets and better management.
The DevilTM Makes Work for Idle Hands.
People who care about cycling spend more time outdoors. While USA CyclingTM was surfing the 'Net in search of itches to scratch, Beth Wrenn-Estes, Chris Grealish and I were at Chatfield State Recreation AreaTM , enjoying a bit of cyclo-cross. While USA CyclingTM's minions were blithely violating my copyrights in defense of their self-proclaimed trademark -- pompous pots calling my kartoon kettle black -- Dogs at Large VeloTM was meeting over beers and appetizers to discuss the 'cross we were putting on the next weekend in Colorado Springs, where we flew the skull-and-crossbones flag of the American Cycling AssociationTM in USA CyclingTM 's home port. Incidentally, we set an attendance record -- nearly 180 riders, not one of whom had to display a USA CyclingTM license to race -- and saved ourselves a bunch of money that in previous years would have been flushed down the five-ringedTM toilet at One Olympic Plaza.TMWhile USA CyclingTM was styling itself as the sole representative of American cycling, a nationwide uprising was gathering momentum: State and regional associations were issuing their own licenses, race permits and insurance policies; a widely disparate crowd of cranky individualists was working together to see that a racer from OregonTM can race in ColoradoTM at a reasonable price with a minimum of bureaucratic bother; and USA CyclingTM was losing members like John Wayne BobbittTM, and permitting fewer events than a KlanTM chapter in Watts.
Yep, those poor devils at USA CyclingTM need to get out more often. All the way out. And the way they're going, before much longer, they'll have put themselves there.
