No wonder Lance Armstrong lives in Spain, where Shiner Bock is an import. Even France would be preferable. At least the gendarmes there are after doping cyclists, not cyclists, period.

You're not the president of me.

  Senate Bill 238, written by Republican Sen. Jeff Wentworth of San Antonio, is an amendment to the state transportation code, billed euphemistically as "an act relating to the safe operation of bicycles on roadways." When last seen, it was headed for the State Affairs Committee; if approved by the legislature, it would take effect in September.

  At a glance, Wentworth seems like a decent person, for a Texas politician. When not authoring bad legislation, he is an attorney and a Realtor© -- how's that for working both sides of America's best-paying street? -- and his official biography says he favors open meetings, local control, less government interference and regulation, and personal responsibility.

  Perhaps it was that last bit there -- personal responsibility, or the lack thereof, demonstrated by one thoughtless cyclist too many -- that drove Wentworth to overcome his distaste for governmental interference and regulation.

  Get Off My @#$%&! Road! Ask yourself this: Why do so many ordinarily reasonable people detest bicyclists? If you're at least as honest as your average stump-broke Texas legislator, you'll answer thusly: Because we give them a giant pain in the ass. Hell, bicyclists give me a major ache in the keister, and I depend upon them for my meager living.

  Just look at yourselves, for chrissakes. You ride three abreast at a fat-burning pace on a two-lane road with no shoulders, flip the bird to any driver who honks, and then whine when he nerfs you into a ditch, beans you with a half-eaten chili dog, or pulls over, with malice aforethought, to dance a fandango on your face.

  Or you thunder down some sleepy single-track on a summer's day, slaloming through petrified Sierra Clubbers, spooking horses and re-routing future runoff with your locked-up rear wheel, a cloud of dust and a hearty, "On your left!" Then you shriek like a black-footed ferret when the trailhead signage suddenly includes a mountain bike with the dreaded red circle and slash.

  Get Off My @#$%&! Trail! Christ, what do you expect? Cleaning up after your dumb ass is a full-time job and then some for a whole lot of folks who, frankly, would rather be out riding their bikes.

  While you're out poaching some off-limits trail, the International Mountain Bicycling Association is fighting the Bureau of Land Management's decision to lump mountain bikes in with motorized vehicles as part of its new management plan -- a smelly surprise that was abruptly quashed when the BLM got more than 10,000 letters from IMBA-driven mountain bikers in 30 days.

  While you and your teammates are playing Tour de France on some narrow two-laner, activists like Geoff Proctor and Eric Grove are gearing up to oppose Montana House Bill 212, a dismaying proposal from Rep. Jeff Paddison (R-Glasgow) that would require bicyclists to ride against traffic when riding outside city limits.

  Paddison's measure, drafted in response to the death of a cyclist struck by a sun-blinded motorist, was scheduled for a public hearing before the House Transportation Committee in late January. Proctor advises that Paddison is not your standard bike-hating ward-heeler, but is genuinely concerned about our safety; he just lacks our perspective.

  Well, maybe that's not such a bad thing, since our perspective often requires a Plexiglas belly-button so we can see where we're headed in that handbasket.

  Heads Up (And Out). Why not use that head of yours for something besides a helmet stand? Wait for the green light like all the other vehicles. Yield the trail to the wheezing suburbanite with family in tow. Jerk your head out of your ass and broaden your perspective a mite.

  In short, pay attention. It's the one payment you can't afford to skip these days. If more of us had been paying attention during the last election, the nation today would be afflicted with at least one less bad idea out of Texas.

For more information:


• For Sen. Wentworth's legislation, see the exact wording. You can see how the Texas Bicycle Racing Association suggests that riders respond to his plan by visiting TXBRA.org.
  
  
• For the BLM OHV plan, see www.blm.gov.
  
  
• For the Montana plan, see this.Or visit Great Divide Cyclery.

  This column is exclusive to the DogPage.

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