But how?

  Ahah. I have it. Launch a racing program, and affiliate with the U.S. Olympic Committee.

  Hey — it's worked for cycling.

  Brother, Can You Spare $1.2 Million? Despite back-to-back Tour de France victories and more than a few international medals by American cyclists, USA Cycling Inc. faces a budget crisis so staggering that Lisa Voight may have to make do with only one trip a day to the Acacia Park Starbucks. She will also have to get by with nine fewer employees, including her husband.

  The party line is that the abrupt post-Olympic departure of two key sponsors made it necessary to lay off everyone who wasn't responsible for seeing that key sponsors didn't depart abruptly post-Olympics.

  A few more such departures and American cyclists could find themselves consigned to racing the Tour de Industrial Park for a prize list of two clinchers, a packet of GU and a water bottle left over from the Casper Classic.

  Whoops. Wait a minute. Most of us are already doing that. See? My plan can't miss. It's already been proven effective in the real world. Well, at One Olympic Plaza, anyway.

  So here's what we do.

  From Yuks To Bucks. Encourage the next couple of scooter geeks you see to race each other around a parking lot somewhere. Pin a couple of your old numbers on them, and give the winner a brass washer on a loop of Christmas ribbon.

  Those two dudes will talk to two more dudes, who will talk to two more, and before you know it, American parking lots will be abuzz with pacelines of frenzied scootists, each with one grossly overdeveloped leg, fighting for points in the Your Area Code Here Amateur Scooter Championship Series.

  Before long, all this grass-roots activity will lead some eager young vampire to say, "Hey ... I can make a killing off the blood, toil, tears and sweat of these guys. But I need a hook to hang the sponsorship on."

  And he will talk to two of his friends, who will talk to two of their friends, and before you know it, Scooting® will be in the Olympic Games, with more corporate partnerships than a Senate candidate and all the coin the U.S. Olympic Committee can throw at it — as long as it's earmarked for medals in international competition.

  Throw The Rule Book At 'Em. Well, once they've bent over for the USOC, they're in bed with the International Olympic Committee, so they'll need a rule book the size of the Hong Kong Yellow Pages written in Squinch so none of the racers can understand what they mean, which means they'll need a herd of zebras to interpret the rules, and committees of tweedy poofs to rewrite the rules to confuse the zebras.

  Then they'll need coaches to teach the kids how to take dope, and doctors to prescribe it, and a board of directors to look the other way. Media specialists to tell the world that their kids are cleaner than Martha Stewart's toilet, and an executive director to fly to Monaco to sip champagne with the winner of the Tour de Tax-Free Principality while local races back home wither and die for lack of support.

  And one day, one of the smarter scootists will say, "This is no fun anymore," and quit. He will take two of his friends with him, and they will take two more, and before you know it, you won't be able to give a scooter away at a DUI class for three-time losers.

  And that, my friends, is when we show them the bicycles.

  This column appeared in Bicycle Retailer & Industry News.