"You've come to the right man," I replied. "Nobody can not train the way I don't. Do? Whatever. Handsomely, you say? Consider it done."

 Why not? After all, I am a cycling pro — as in "procrastinator." I've got more reasons for missing the training ride than most cyclists have for missing the medal stand ("I was boxed in; I was over/undergeared; I threw my chain; gravity was extra strong today....")

 But I find it's easier to save face — not to mention big money on entry fees — by making my excuses before the race, rather than afterward ("Who won? Jeez, I'd have massacred him if I'd been there. But you see, I couldn't train much last week, because I was doing this incisive op-ed piece for VeloNews on 'Why I Didn't Train This Week.'").

 See how easy it is? I do it all the time. Of course, I'm lying. I log more miles than the entire U.S. Postal Service — the mail carriers, not the cycling team — and I still get dropped by first-time racers, junior women and fat kids on BMX bikes. But I've never told anybody that, and I never will. Unless, you understand, they give me money, like VeloNews did. A reckless action like that just naturally sets me to banging away on the old PowerBook and consulting the extensive Mad Dog Media Research Library, and pacing back and forth ... and just plain making stuff up out of thin air.

 Coincidentally, this top-priority project, soon to be the subject of a major motion picture directed by James Cameron and starring Alec Baldwin as me, Kim Basinger as my wife, Shannon, and Jim Carrey as Lance Armstrong, just happens to be the reason I didn't train this week. Heh heh heh.

 Now, a word of caution is indicated here. You can't just leap off your bike and start not training and lying about it. You could not hurt yourself. Begin gradually — say, by turning around in mid-ride while exclaiming, "Gosh! Left the cat in the dryer again!" — and slowly, over a period of several minutes, work your way gradually up to not training at all.

 If you suffer from an underactive imagination, or worse, chronic honesty, you'll probably need a starter kit. Here it is. Now,quit bugging me, I gotta go train. Oh, damn, there goes the phone again. That Basinger chick is really getting to be a pain in the butt. Heh heh heh.

 Top 10 Reasons Why I Didn't Train This Week

 10. I can't find my leg razor.

 9. I just got a new cyclo-computer and I don't want to sweat all over it.

 8. I had this really weird flu that made me watch lots of television and drink beer.

 7. I'm ______ (pick one) a) overtrained; b) undertrained; c) drunk.

 6. The weather sucked: too _____ (pick one) a) hot; b) cold; c) rainy; d) snowy; e) windy; f) calm; g) sunny; h) smelly; i) drunk.

 5. My bike was too dirty/clean. (Pick one; acceptable only when used in conjunction with your weather selection in [5].)

 4. Everybody else wanted to do a road/off-road ride, and I wanted to do an off-road/road ride. (Pick one incompatible selection.)

 3. The crystals said, "No." (Works only in Boulder, Santa Fe, Aspen and Sedona.)

 2. I've fallen and I can't get up. (Masters racers only.)